Saturday, September 13, 2014

Tape and Glue

Sometimes we just need to say it out loud or hear our beloveds say it to us instead: I am perfect in my imperfections. Or: I am not my body. Or: I am more than how I define myself or how the world defines me. I don't fit inside a box and that is ok.

We struggle. We carry baggage and scars, our souls and hearts riddled with holes we patch with tape and daub with glue. It's hard work to grow up and bumps and bruises are part of the package. Me? I struggle with forgiveness. There is one thing I fear I will never forgive- because maybe I don't want to. The anger about it feels so good sometimes, a drug I can't bring myself to quit though I know it's killing me inside. I'm quietly, slowly, learning to let it go but there are days when I wonder if I can.

I struggle with fears of being left. There are days in my past I wish I couldn't remember- and things said and done that I bitterly regret. There's a particular feeling in my stomach I used to get that only comes every once-in-a-while, but when it does, it sends me reeling backwards to being 9 years old and feeling like I didn't have a home and that I was being split into too many pieces. I lay low. I let it pass.

I struggle with trying to please others too much. Last year, I got so tired of it that I turned my back on it and reacted in a way I never could have imagined. I stopped accepting and started asserting. It was hard and scary and made me cry. But it was liberating. I felt so free and in control, in a way I never had before. I had a voice and I had the right- finally- to use it. That may have been the moment when I decided that I liked who I was, despite my flaws. Despite the tape and the glue and the never-going-to-have-it-completely-figured-out. That I was going to accept her and help her, instead of tamping her down. I am going to let that soul glow out through the scars and the taped-up parts, shine through the holes and onto others.

I'm still struggling. We all are. But I can help carry someone's baggage as I dab on some glue and press down the Band-Aid. We heal each other. We heal ourselves.

6 comments:

  1. Lovely post, dear name twin. xx

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    1. Thank you, my favorite name twin! <3

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  2. I love the image of tape and glue. This post relates a brave sentiment and it is inspiring!

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  3. Hi! I found your blog after reading your comment on Momastery, and am so glad I did! I can totally relate to this. After a lifetime of people-pleasing, I've just started learning to assert myself. And it's so hard, and I panic a lot. But I'm also discovering that I have feelings that are important too, and I think that's worth it.

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    1. Thank you Kim! I'm so glad to "meet" you. I always feel strengthened by connecting with others, and finding out that we share more than we realize- one of the reasons I love Momastery. I wish you all good things on your journey- only things that are hard are worth it. I've been off the blog this month because of school, but I hope to be writing again soon. Hopefully, you will be able to check back in sometime. Blessings to you today!

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